How's Herman Doing It?

People are scratching their heads at Herman Cain's rise in popularity in the battle for the Republican nomination.  Yes, it's the same Herman Cain, who said he'd sign a constitutional amendment banning abortion, and in doing so showed his complete lack of understanding of how our government works. Then he went on national TV and flip-flopped on the issue.  Seems rather wishy-washy; I recall other candidates in years passed being called to the carpet for changing stances on less divisive issues.

So how is he connecting with so many Americans?  I'll answer that by quoting Herman himself.  It's because, as he so eloquently put it, "...there are a lot of stupid people ruining America".

A West Coast Transplant's Guide to Visiting New York

I've been living on this coast for almost four years now.  While I'm no renowned expert, in that short time, I believe I've learned a thing or two about hanging out in the "Big Apple."  My perspective isn't that of a native, but rather that of someone who started as a visitor, became a nearby resident and now works there daily.  Take it for what it's worth or not.  But if you're visiting this great city, there are a few things you should probably consider.

First, let's talk about walking down the street. This seems to be a fairly easy thing to do; so it's a bit of a puzzle to me that so many can't seem to properly master it.  Sidewalks aren't of infinite width. People need to travel in two directions: to and fro.  If you're with a group of people walking four abreast down any street, you're blocking traffic and making someone late for something.  You're also pissing people off and are lucky they don't smack you as they zig-zag around you.  Speaking of having to dodge people, step to the side of the walkway if you're unable to text and walk at the same time.  People will let you slam into them just to help jolt you back to the reality that you're not at home on your fucking couch. Pay attention; it's a city fergawdsakes.

And while I know I've touched on this before, if you're sightseeing, take all the picture you want. Just remember that when you stop in the middle of the street to take a picture of a big building, you run the risk of being trampled.  The tramplers aren't being rude, you are. They're walking on a sidewalk.  You're blocking them and not giving a crap. So step to the side and snap away. (Pictures, that is; snapping other things that publicly, well that could be trouble.)

Speaking of getting around, you'll probably be in need of a taxi at some point.  First of all, those guys in the town cars trying to get you to ride with them? They're not taxis. Many are legitimate limo drivers looking for fares to fill the day. Many are guys with town cars looking to overcharge you for a five minute trip.  Stick to the yellow taxis.  If when you get in it smells like a middle eastern deli mixed with incense and body odor, you're in a regular NYC taxi. The driver will probably be yelling into his cell phone in Farsi/Hindi/Malay/Arabic/Swahili/Portuguese/Urdu/French/Italian or one of six thousand other languages. This is OK. He can drive with one hand, while flipping someone off and talking on the phone with the other.  I suggest not paying too much attention to the traffic or how he is driving however.  Instead, look to the sides and up and all around - just not forward.  If you get there in one piece, be sure to tip; and don't be a cheap prick and give a one dollar tip for a $20 cab ride.

Speaking of tipping, when you're in the restaurants, if service is good, tip appropriately. 20% is the STANDARD for good service.  Tip more if it was exceptional.  Some people still think 15% is standard. That was standard back in 1979 when my mother insisted that 10% was fine.  Don't be a tight-ass. Budget the tips into your trip planning.

And of course, this brings us to dining.  Every major city has Applebee's, TGI Friday's, The Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Ruby Tuesday and so on.  Anybody visiting New York City caught eating in one of these places ought to be taken out and sent home on a plane immediately. That's it, vacation over.  There are so many good restaurants in the city. Why would you insult your palette with Applebee's?  Really? Why?  Make websites like Chowhound and Urban Spoon your friends before you travel. Find some places that aren't chain restaurants and that have some character - and good food.  By character, I'm not referring the trendy touristy places - though definitely do some touristy stuff while visiting. Just remember that the best Chinese food isn't necessarily in Chinatown; and the best Italian food isn't necessarily in Little Italy.  Do a little research, ask locals for recommendations - and I don't mean the Concierge who gets kickbacks from sending people to Planet Hollywood in Times Square. And if you're planning to eat at a deli, read this first. 

So come on out.  Enjoy yourself. Don't get too upset at the sticker shock when you eat and do touristy stuff. But above all, follow a few simple rules, don't be a douchebag, and everybody wins.

Healthcare Solution: Plain and Simple

People are bitching about "Obamacare," as they call it.  A major sticking point is whether it's OK to require people to purchase insurance.  So to get around that, here's what we do.  They can either buy insurance or sign an opt-out form.  Once that form is on file, they can be denied treatment, even in emergencies, if they can't prove ability to pay for the services. This could be a boon for the surety bond business, if done right.  Give people a choice, and let the consequences affect them directly, without it costing any taxpayer dollars.  Plain and simple, like I said.  Though the "smart" folks up in Washington will never go along.

Ready for Change - and Calmly for Once

The last time I visited the corporate mother ship in Ohio, there was a big banner saying, "Be ready for rapid change!"  Well, I made good on that claim when I gave notice a few short weeks ago; and now I'm preparing for the new adventure to start tomorrow.

Normally, I'd be nervous as shit with a new job starting - especially in a new sector and working in an office again with real people.  Add to that the (at least) two hour commute door to door, and I should be more uptight than Michele Bachmann's ass-lodged head.  But for some reason, I'm oddly calm.

Perhaps it's the anti-anxiety cocktail my doctor and I have landed on over the last few months.  Or maybe I'm just getting older and have been through this enough to know that it's nothing to be stressed-silly about. I don't know, maybe it was the doses. Whatever the reason, I'm enjoying my newly found calmness and looking forward to tomorrow with eager anticipation for the new things that await.

One thing I know for sure: I'm sofa king happy to no longer be responsible for hitting a monthly sales quota.  Quite possibly, that alone was enough to replace the usual stress with patient happiness.  Now, assuming we have this anxiety thing under control, we can look at my attention deficit dis, discord, distemper, dis, dis...discussions, that's it, discussions can be fun and interesting if both people are into the topic.  Speaking of topics, what was I just saying?

An Open Letter to My Vicodin

If you can't tell from the title, they're just now starting to work.

Dear Satan's Analgesic,

I don't believe in Hell or the Devil - but you come pretty damn close to being either or both.  You make  me feel dependent on you after only a few days use, and then make me feel sick, like going-through-withdrawal-sick.  You're evil and should be avoided at almost all costs.

That said, please hurry up and work faster.  My back is fucking killing me, and I really need your pain-killing magic and your very enjoyable interaction with horticulture!  Nap-time awaits; so please do your thing.

Sincerely,
G

Evolving and Reflecting

I opened an email from AAA today.  It was the quarterly newsletter - the one I used to receive via snail mail.  The one that, upon arrival, went straight to the bathroom for later perusal. As I looked at the PDF, with options to save to my desktop, I began to realize that changes are creeping into my life whether I want them or not.

Now as many of you know (as I delude myself into thinking that "many" people still read this), I'm not technophobic - far from it. And as someone who embraces technology, I've been looking at adding a tablet to my arsenal of stuff - primarily for the train ride on my new commute.  But this AAA thing has opened my eyes to the fact that reading as I know it is about to change.

I'm sure as hell not taking a laptop into the restroom - that would be kinda weird.  But if I can no longer have my customary reading materiel where I'd like it, perhaps I need this tablet for more things than I originally thought.  And this isn't a post about reading on the can, though the old newspaper under the arm is a time honored tradition passed down from fathers to sons for generations.

With that in mind, I wonder what my dad would think of all of this.  This past Monday would have been his 89th birthday.  Technology was never something dad was able to fully embrace, as I've mentioned before. He lived in a world where the VCR always flashed "12:00."  I can't begin to imagine him trying to navigate online banking and billing, or having to look things up on the Internet instead of just calling the company and asking a helpful customer service person the question. Reading the newspaper from a tablet? Pshaw!

Dad was a people person. He hated those voice prompt systems, possibly as much or more than I do. I think he genuinely enjoyed talking to some of these CSRs on the phone. It gave him contact with the world in a comfortable way...not like all that newfangledcomputertechnologycrap.

I'm guessing that if he were here, he'd look at it all, shake his head and smile, and then fall asleep while I was answering whatever he had just asked.

Happy belated Birthday Oldtimer, I miss ya!

Do They Teach About Passing Lanes in Massachusetts?

Now I know that not everyone from Massachusetts is a Masshole - in fact, many take exception to the term, perhaps rightly so.  But if anecdotal examples were somehow empirical proof of things, then I would come to the conclusion that the concept of multiple lane theory is missing from the Massachusetts drivers' instruction handbooks.

At least twice today I was stuck behind a line of cars in the passing lane, only finally get around (by passing on the right) to see those damned white plates. Each time as I passed, I gave the driver the "What the fuck?" look; and each time they stared back indignantly, as if I were the miscreant for my irritation with them.  So for the Massholes out there, and anyone else who doesn't get it, let me exfuckingplain it to you.

The left lane is for passing people on the right only. There is no cruising in the left lane. Period. That's fucking it.  You ride in the right or middle lane. When someone in front of you is moving too slowly for you, put on your damn signal, get in the left lane and pass them.  Then, after you've passed them, you get the fuck back into your original lane as quickly as possible.  If there are three lanes, and you want to go more slowly than the flow of traffic, get your ass into the right lane.

It's all pretty easy.  Follow these simple rules, and the traffic will flow and we'll have road harmony.  Ignore them, and some asshole like me, with much less patience and far greater anger issues, may just make your their hood ornament.

Lemminging: The Next Big Thing

Hey Kids.  You've tried planking and you've tried owling.  That's yesterday's news.  The next big thing is lemminging.  It's really simple.  First, you need a group of at least 30 people.  Second, you need a very high place - a mountain top or even a mountain ledge will work beautifully.  Once all are assembled, the leader (identified by his/her yellow rain coat) will begin running toward the ledge.  The rest of the people just follow him, no matter where he takes them...even if it's over the ledge.  Participants should carry video cameras and have them running when the event begins. Ideally, the cameras should be tightly packed so they don't explode on impa..., um, impulse, yeah, that's it, impulse.  The event organizer waits at the bottom of the mountain and collects the videos, edits them together and posts them online. Team whose video is voted best by online viewers gets major props for their great job done!

So whaddaya think?  Viable?

Great Music, Great Friends, Great Vibes

The 2011 incarnation of Gathering of the Vibes has come and gone once again without disappointing.  This past weekend I spent three glorious days in the nasty CT heat and humidity to enjoy some truly memorable musical performances.  Last year, I only attended the Friday night show and was brooding all weekend about the great acts I'd missed.  I would not let that happen again.

Things started off on a great note when I ran into someone who I'd met last year - part of the group of people who adopted me for the day during my first solo Vibes show.  It's always fun meeting new people at shows; and it's even better when you get to see them again.  It was definitely fun hanging out with them -  I think they're a good influence to get me to more shows, not to mention it's always great to have more people to experience new music with.  Also, big thanks to my local friend who brought me a chair and possibly saved my leg during the shows!

The scene was very mellow again. No fighting or grief. Even the wookies seemed well behaved....perhaps the enhanced police presence in campgrounds had something to do with that. Reason #256 why I stayed in a hotel.  Shower and A/C being reasons 1-255.

There was so much to take in.  I had my first experience with Dark Star Orchestra - the ultimate Grateful Dead cover band.  And Wow!  If you close your eyes, you can almost hear Jerry, and Donna sounds on-key. Beyond that there was so much more to see.  Two early standouts were Infamous Stringdusters - a really talented electric and acoustic bluegrass band that even covered the Police's Walking on the Moon, and Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk.  This band featured two bass players and a Neville Brother - how can you go wrong with that combo? They funked it up good and dirty!

Friday's lineup was filled with all sorts of good fun.  Taj Mahal played a super set and had the place dancing.  And Levon Helm with his band were amazing as always, and the perfect segue for the big finale of the night: Furthur.  Those guys can still bring it hard and keep it fresh.  Heard some stuff I've never heard live before, so that was fun, albeit Jerry-less.

Perhaps the surprise of the night for me was a band from Baltimore called "The Bridge." My friends were telling me that this would be the best band I'd never heard - and they were right.  A skillful mix of blues, bluegrass, rock and jazz, these guys can do it all.  They played a balls-to-the-wall set at the "Green Vibes" stage and had the crowd screaming for more. Unfortunately, this was one of their last performances, as the band is preparing to break  up.  It's truly sad that such talented musicians and songwriters can't sustain a living doing what they love. Really a shame -  because these guys really rock!

Saturday was a full day for me. I got there early to hear the McLovins - you HAVE to Google them if you haven't heard them yet. These guys are still in high school and are freaking amazing.  I also had my first Assembly of Dust set and was hooked by the second song.  They play around here a lot, so I know I'll have some good opportunities to see them again.

I finally got to hear Tea Leaf Green live.  I was having leg problems (which I now know to be a fracture of the somethingorotherIBIA), so I was sitting through their set in the shade - actually lying down with my leg up for most of it.  But it was fun, though not as great as I'd hoped.  Maybe my leg had something to do with that, I don't know.  I returned to the main stage area to see the end Max Creek's set.  I really liked them!  And they were followed by a CT favorite, Deep Banana Blackout (from Bridgeport). After them came "moe."  I first saw them back in the mid-late 90's during the first Furthur Festival.  Damn, they rocked it hard and had some sick-sweet jams. Sadly, I was benched and couldn't be up in the crowd during their set - but it was all good. I'm sorry I've missed them when they've been through before, and will definitely make the effort to get to see more moe.

The headline was shared by Elvis Costello and Jane's Addiction.  While I've always loved Evis' music, his recent political bullshit toward Israel, and his solidarity with the "poor Palestinians" crap, makes me less into him.  But I will give him credit, he and his band played a solid set and had the whole arena moving.  Jane's Addiction, however, was so off-the-hook-on-fire, they practically made the place explode.  I guess since they quit heroin they've gotten their shit together. This was one of the best performances I've seen.  Not sure if this was a one-off or if they're back together for real; but if you get the chance to see them, do it. Steven Perkins' drumming fueled the band through a high-energy set, filled with typical Perry Farrell performance art.

All in all, it was a great festival. I missed Sunday as we had previous plans. And as much as I wanted to see some of the acts, I'm not sure my leg would've done too well, so it's really for the best.  But to say I'm hooked on this festival is an understatement. The people, the energy, the music and the great vibes have me counting down the days until next year.  I don't care where you live - this is one worth the trip - and you can take "trip" any way you like.

Pyro-Douchebags and Independence Day

An open letter to a select few of those living around me:

Dear Shitheads:

In case you haven't noticed, we live in a fairly rural part of town.  We live on hills with many trees and brush.  Within these trees and brush live  many cool animals who just want to wake up in the morning and not find their homes burned away by reveling idiots.  Near those trees, brush and animals are actual homes with actual fucking people living in them.  Speaking for them, I think it's safe to say that they want to wake up and find the same thing.

You live in a town where fireworks are illegal.  Shooting rockets into the sky from here is not only really illegal, but very stupid.  Aside from the fact that your fireworks freak our border collie into a frenzy, look around douchebag - these hills in which we live are  basically a forest.  Granted, we call it the Lyme Disease Forest - but it's forest/woods  by any perspective.  So what does that tell you?  It tells you that lighting off  explosives, how ever well intentioned to celebrate our independence, is too fucking dangerous for this neighborhood.

I know this is probably hard for you to understand, what with it being 10 AM and you probably already  drunker and dumber than Mel Gibson was during his infamous Malibu Sheriff's office tirade. But damn it assholes, put your fucking fireworks away so you don't burn down my fucking neighborhood.

Go to a fireworks show or watch one on TV, I really don't care.  Go to a friend's house in a town that allows fireworks (like the one five miles west of us). But please, go blow your shit up somewhere safe and get it, and for that matter your dumb ass, out of my neighborhood.

Thank you and have an enjoyable Fourth of July - you prick-fucks!

Sincerely,
G

Of Vampires, Franchises and Crappy Movies

Or, I'll Take "What is Twilight?" for $2000, Alex

Maybe I'm old.  Maybe I just don't get it.  Ah Hell, I am old and there are a lot of things I don't get.  Now here's one more to add to the list.  Last night we tried to watch the movie "Twilight," On-Demand.  Fortunately it was free and not Pay-Per-View.  I say tried, because we got not quite halfway through it and couldn't take it any more.

Can someone explain to me how this is a popular movie, let alone a fucking hit franchise?  It's a bunch of kids with silly make up staring across the screen at each other.  Sometimes  there's no dialogue - just the brooding stares.  Is that the whole point of the movie? Young girls who like to look at male eye candy?  Aren't there enough pictures of good looking guys on the Internet that you don't have to subject yourselves to a slow-moving story-less movie that would put a brick wall to sleep? The plot (what there seemed to be of it) and acting were so bad, it was like watching a porno flick without the sex or good music!

Seriously, the story and the character interaction were so damn boring, the mosquitoes in my house were committing suicide by flying into walls rather than having to endure that drivel while sucking our blood.  I mean, "Really!?"  I know I have friends and relatives who like this crap. Will one of you please explain this phenomenon to me?  How was this a popular movie, and why the hell do people like it so much that someone needed to spend money on sequels?  Perhaps the world really is coming to an end!

Music in the Digital Age and a Holiday Weekend

I must say that there are a lot of perks to living in the digital age.  For music lovers, the sheer multitude of ways to access music and information is high among them.  A few years ago a friend told me about "NugsNet", a site where you could download all sorts of live shows.   It's since grown into LiveDownloads.com and features quite a library.

I never got into the downloading thing until now.  As I type, I'm listening to the Radiators' show I attended in New York City June 3 of this year - their last ever New York show. I'm being transported back to earlier in the month and reminded of an amazing night of music.  I think I've always enjoyed listening to shows I've attended.  I don't know if it's some kind of nostalgia thing, or just that I like to hear something a second time and remember having heard it live - the scorching lead, the drummer hanging in the pocket all night - the groove, the sweat of the people dancing around to me.  I often forget how important music is to me, and how much it's given me over the years.

As i sit here on early parole from work, long weekend beginning, I can't help but smile as the beat goes on.  Now it's time to celebrate the birth of our nation with charcoal, meat and drugging the dog so the fireworks don't make him go apeshit.  And this year, I'm going to be sure not to forget the music!

A Lesson from Dad

I've been doing a good deal of soul searching lately.  A large portion of it involves coming to terms with the fact that I may indeed be more affected by ADD than I even possibly imagined.  In retrospect, I think my dad may have had it too.  He was easily distracted, had CRS* from a very young age, had the temper and a lot of the other signs. But he also had something else, something I'm learning can also be a big part of this "ADDemeanor":  He was able to stay positive, no matter how much it seemed to him as if he had failed. No matter how down he might get, it was only for a short time. Then he was back up, positive and on top of the world.

No matter how tough things got, Dad always had that attitude that they would indeed get better someday, somehow - even if he didn't know how. It was  this unyielding faith that got him up in the morning after failed business ventures that forced him back to working for someone else, for less than he was worth.  It was what kept him going for years during my mom's long bout with Multiple Sclerosis.  No matter how clear it was to everyone she would never get better, he held out hope. I often scoffed at this behind his back. "How could anyone be so naive?" I'd wonder.  But I think that was really a case of seeing something in him that I had inside myself and didn't feel comfortable with at all. And I somehow found enough compassion in me to resist the urge to share my observations with him - something he probably couldn't have done himself were the situations reversed. He needed that faith to survive.

My mom used to always tell me to take their good traits and examples and live by them; and toss out the stuff they do that doesn't work for me.  Very practical advice, despite the passive-aggressive guilt trip that would often accompany it.  I've made a concerted effort over the years to do that - often with good results, many times without.  My dad's little example taught me something.  I may get down about things from time to time. I most certainly get frustrated with things - very easily, in fact I have since I was a kid.  I have been known to vent on and on about something that just ticks me off - something that probably isn't bothering anyone else. I can be in a desperate place in life, yet despite it all, I can't help but awake the next day and feel  somewhere deep down inside that things will get better.  They have to.

For this gift Dad, and  many others, I love you and thank you. And as I think back over the times we shared (like this one,  and this one,  and this one and the last Father's Day we spent together), I miss you.


*CRS = Can't Remember Shit

First Thing We Do is Kill All the Looters and Rioters

I've said similar things before about taggers - you know, those fucks who trash other people's buildings with their silly little "signs".  But even worse than tagging is a phenomenon that has grown over the last 10-15 years or so.  And congratulations Vancouver, you're the latest city to be overrun by groups of Citizen Douchebags, Hell-bent on burning and destroying.

This usually happens when a city's team has won a major sporting event.  Detroit was famous for it in the late 80's and early 90's.  LA joined the club a few years ago after a Laker championship win.  Vancouver fans were rioting because they were angry about losing the Stanley Cup. Either way, rioting mobs are nothing more than scared little jackholes who get their courage from the booze and the momentum of the crowd.  In other words, they're human waste in jeans and athletic shoes.

The solution is quite simple, though I'm sure Canada won't jump on this bandwagon. Hell, most of America won't....maybe Texas.  Anyhow, here's my plan.  If you can document the mob (i.e., show video of them rioting/looting etc.), you have a legal right to fire a weapon into the mob. In fact, you should have a legal right to fire multiple rounds into the mob until every rioting dipfuck is dead, incapacitated or has run away like the sorry-ass coward he or she really is.

I know it sounds harsh. And I'm generally a non-violent guy who is opposed to governments shooting citizens. That's why individual citizens should be able to do it too! I was in LA for the Rodney King riots. That was some scary shit. I've seen the mobs destroy towns "celebrating" their team's victory.  This is the dumbest way to celebrate. What kind of idiots wreck their town and the property of their fellow citizens to celebrate? Hell, what kind of morons do it because they're sore losers? I'll tell you: The kind that need to be eliminated from the gene pool.

So write your representatives in Congress and the Senate.  Tell them it's time we developed a real zero tolerance policy for rioting scum.

Thanks for reading and have a pleasant rest of your day!

You Say Wiener, I Say Weiner

So what's really in a name?

This whole "scandal" with Anthony Weiner sending dick pix through Twitter has me thinking. Weiner is supposed to be pronounced "Whiner", like a crying baby.  Wiener is usually pronounced "Weener", like the hot dog.  I've known people whose name was Wiener, but they pronounced it Weiner (Whiner) so the kids wouldn't get shit on in school.  On top of everything else, he's gone out of his way to pronounce his name like  another word for schlong.  Is it just me? Or does anyone else find his lifetime of foreshadowing incredibly funny?